Thursday, June 25, 2009

Why do i even bother..

Alright so, this is going to be a bit of a bitter rant, but do i care? ..not really.

Seems like every single time i make plans, weither it be with just a friend, or someone i like, they always fucking ditch.

I still, after two and half weeks, have not seen jon at all, because everytime we make plans SOMETHING happens.. every.single.time. i finally talked to him about it and was kinda like wats your deal? cause this is making me feel like shit. and apparently he does want to hang out and still likes me, he just has horrible luck and him getting his car is always such an issue. Well his parents are leaving saturday to go away for a week, so then it should "work out perfectly" or so im told. we'll sick of the broken promises from everyone so whatever

Jamil, since march, has done nothing but ditch. Apparently he has feelings for me, SO im told, and yet SINCE MARCH, ive seen him like..3 times? because once again, ever.single.time we make plans, something else comes up thats more important and it fucks up. What else is new?

And now my friend Adam, really sweet guy, seriously. My friend chris was s'posed to be going away for a bit, and i kept telling adam, when chris leaves, we'll hafta hang out all the time cas i wont have chris, then kinda jokingly adam was all like oh im just a replacement for chris, great. so i was like noo no i wana hang out anyway, so i try to make plans with him, see when he's free, but no, he turns out to be just like EVERY OTHER GUY i know. always busy and even when we make plans, something happens.. of course.

so WHAT THE FUCK EVER. to everyone. im so sick of feeling like im not even good enough for my friends to want to hang out with me or see me at all, let alone when i like a guy. I wish if people had a problem with me, or maybe if im annoying or they'res something about me they just cant seem to get past to wana fucking be around me, that they can say it to my face and i can get over it, cause as of right now i really dont understand it. Im fed up with the bullshit lies of being my friends and saying they want to hang out when they obviously dont. If they actually want to see me at all they will, and until then im not wasting any time on them anymore because it ALWAYS makes me feel like shit in the end.

To those who continue to walk all over me...Fuck you...thanx bye

Monday, June 8, 2009

SO happy :)

Alright! So! greatest weekend ever.

Saturday was b-e-a-utiful out and one of my best friends shannon and I had planned to hang out, which was awesome, so she came over, and then my friend adam calls up, and asked if we wanted to go the park with him a couple other of my friends and just have fun, cook hotdogs, nice summer day kinda thing. So OBViously we did haha I was really excited about the whole thing 1) Cause im just a tool like that and 2)!!! Shannon is one of my closest friends, and were alot alike, and just everytime we hang out its nothing but amazing. Adam and Chris are also really close friends of mine, and i love hanging out with them! Everytime im with these guys, i always feel so happy and relaxed and i dont feel like i hafta try and impress anyone or try and be something im not, i can just be myself, and they can be themselves, and we all just have fun. They also constantly make me laugh, which i love. so again, all awesome-ness. So when the oppertunity came to put the two together!!! +carson! WOO haha ps. carson is the greatest asian ever cause he listens to random amazing music and has his face on a t-shirt! =D SO ANYWAY, piont is, that's why I was so excited! So adam came to pick up me and shannon and we met chris and carson at the park hahaha and between almost forgetting a lighter, taking a year to get our "fire" able to cook hotdogs, not being able to turn them with anything but our fingers, and then loosing three after all the trouble it was quite the fail-tastic* day, but it was fun, it really was, the sun was out (for most of the time) and we were all in a good mood so yea haha and i played catch for the first time in YEARS :P imagine that. Shannon had to go home, but then after dropping her off the four of us still went for ice cream, which is ALWAYS a good topper after a nice day right?! of course :)
now. this is where it might not seem like the greatest weekend ever, but you'll see.
After calling it a night, carson drove me home, and for some reason, of which i still dont entirely understand, as soon as i got in my house and like, in my room and sat down, i just felt so miserable! I honestly felt so upset and sad about like so much. for no reason at all really. Now remember from previous blog the guy that im like hugely crushing on? now, he pops up in my mind, and obviously, i start to kinda worry about everything. So after ranting to the one and only, shannon (heart) i end up just saying screw it and im going to bed cause i couldnt handle it anymore. So i go to bed and my friend. friend-ish, trevor starts txting me and we start talking about the whole thing and how he thinks i should just tell him straight up, cas its just hurting me not saying anything, but i was saying how like, i was too afriad pretty much cause i didnt wana get rejected, cas i seriously thought that was gona happen. But he finally gets to me, and i drag myself out of bed at like 2 in the morning, i go to my computer log onto FACEBOOK! which yes i know is laaame! but to my defense it WAS 2 in the morning, so i didnt want to wake him and i knew i wouldnt have the guts still later if i was to wait to do it person. So i resorted to msging him on facebook lol plus that way i can think a little bit more about what im saying, not that i think i did much of that but yea. oh and i might as well give him a name right? probably be alot easier lol Jon. haha his name is Jon. :P
(I ramble way to much..)
So i send him this msg, saying i like him and all that jazz, but i was seriously so afriad that he wasnt gona like me. Just because, ANY previous expirience i've had, where i like someone like this, it just, it doesnt work out. Sure i've had boyfriends, who i liked and was really happy with none the less, but ya kno, when theres that person, that you just get so many butterflies looking at even?! i mean, did you read my last blog?! thats never worked out for me before. So this made me nervous as hell needless to say. I click send. and then sit there for about 5 mintues wishing there was a FML button to click.. there wasnt. so i went back to bed and laid there for like..a gooood..two hours maybe. just kinda laying there...effing my life. lmao. i finally fell asleep anyway
woke up in the morning, still thinking about it. I log onto msn, he's online, but no reply. however! i remember from when we first started talking, sommmeone, honestly, checks his fb like, once every two weeks or something haha so i kinda feel like an idiot, but theres NO WAY i can handle waiting around for dayyys to hear his reply. so of course. i txt him. something along the lines offf "hey uhm.. i kinda sent you a msg on facebook...the only reason im txting you telling you this is cause i know you dont check it" (i felt like such an idiot, chirst!!!!) so anyway, like i duno, half an hour or something after, i get a reply, and to my lovely suprise, HE LIKES ME! hahaha it pretty much made my day. havent been able, to stop smiling since. :)
so of course, were not dating yet or anything, which im totally fine with, we both dont wana jump into anything, and want to get to know eachother more, but it just made me really happy to know for sure that its not just me.
so happy! that i thought id share it with you :P
thats all i really have to say, now i just can't wait to hang out with him again :)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

New Life of Summer

Alright so, how do i begin? First blog, so theres probably alot to tell/explain to prepare for everything i want to say or might want to say down the road!

MY NAME IS JESSICA! and i like my name! ^_^ i also like to over use emoticons when typing becaaause i really feel like they help me to communicate my emotion when talking over a computer, something that often gets lost in periods and commas and spaces and shtuff! Emotion is something we need to express, and accuratly because alot of the times, if people mis-interpret how things are said, it hurts other people feelings, and we dont want that. (ALSO! i have the worste grammar ever..dont judge me! haha)


Back to me! :P I am 18 years old aand loving life! as much as i can anyway! I work at a Bikini store in a malll and not gona lie, i love it :) Compared to all the other jobs ive had, which were working with foooood, and horrible hours/wages/uniforms, and really bad air conditioning during the summer, the village of bikini's is a nice little step up. And so far everyone i work with is pretty chill too! No more opening with like 4 foreign old women barking down my neck to prepare whole, raw chickens. (I worked in a deli for the past year ps!)

I also! have such a crush on one of my friends, its a little rediculous :) It started off me being some idiotic school girl, and it was funny, everytime id see him or he'd look at me, it was like i could feel my heart just stop and my brain go all retarded, and blush, omg blush! I havent blushed like this in awhile, I could feel myself turn red from head to toe haha. and even when we did talk, its one of those things were in the back of your head your like, be cool, be cool, relax, your just talking, and then i end up just blurting out anything hoping conversation doesnt end haha!
Now LUCKILY i have a pretty good friend, whos also pretty good friends with him! aaand so i was able to talk to him like more than a couple times and added him on faacebook, and then he asked for my number, which i thought was a good thing right? right. and he said that he wanted to hang out, which i was obviously up for, so thats a good thing too right? right. Now we eventually ended up hanging out me him my other friend that he knew, and also my other friend, that i was setting up with the other guy. Everything worked out and whatnot and went well, and guy i like! wanted to hang out again ^_^ now, we tried a couple times, aaand he kinda screwed up, a little bit/alot. First time he forgot about me, and then didnt really say anything about it, although niether did i so i dont think he realized how much it bugged me, and then! we tried hanging out again (this is just the two of us both these times) and yet again, he forgot about me. This time my friend noticed too and mentioned it to him, and i wasnt even mad this time, but more or less just really hurt, cause the way i thought about it, if someone actually likes you, they dont forget about you ya kno? So i was kinda like eff life, he doesnt like me at all! and then he messaged me the next day, and said all the kinds of sorry's and appologies that you'd want to hear someone say after doing something like that, but not gona lie, the day after, i was still a little upset, so like i was really happy he said sorry and everything but i wasnt get let him off that easy, i still let him know like, that it made me feel like shit. and im really happy to say! he's been nothing but really sweet since! :) ALTHOUGH im still so unsure only cause like, ive just been blown off by so many guys i like before, that im so afriad that somethings gona happen and he's gona be like what?! i dont like you. and immm gona hate life lol
We've hung out twice now, just the two of us, and this time i actually got the guts to kind of sort of cuddle up to him? if leaning my head on his shoulder and putting my arm around his really counts as that though, to my defence, i was so nervous!! he seemed ok with that much though? soo. thats good right? ah i just wish i had more guts to figure out something a little more solid than maybe him just not be able to say no and like please dont cuddle up to me, cas i dont like you like that! AH i duno. lol We might be hanging out again saturday! so im pretty excited for that, hoooopefully i can stop being such a pussy and do something. Any hints or tips or advice!? would be helpful? thanx.

AS FOR the rest of my life :P its all pretty random at the moment. I had some random show up after a year and half of nothinggg, and contrary to the cocky kind of a dick person that im actually used to, he was somewhat sweet this time, hm, it was a little odd, nice kind of odd, but odd all the same. Not that it means anything tho, he kinda screwed that up before hand, and besiiiides, i just spent the last three big paragraphs explaining a very good reason that random here doesnt mean anything :P he had his chance, not that i even think he wants a "chance" now, but whatevs!m (not that this is the rest of my life either, but im talking to him at the moment, so its the first thing that came to mind)

Also, my whole life, ive always wanted to become a model! but i never thought i was pretty enough,but its something ive wanted to do so bad, so finally, back in april, i contacted an agency and they said to go in for an interview! Nervous as hell i went in and gave it my best and just tried to be myself and show them that i have what i takes, luckily whatever i did worked! and they wanted to represent me! However, as much as i want this, and as much as i know i can do it, i just need the money. Ive already gone in and gone over everything and made a downpayment, i just 460 more dollars and then im good to go! However, i also have like 150 in phone bills to pay, and 70 owing to my friends mom cause me and my friend bought these tickets awhile ago. And since i dont get any help from my own mom!, i can still make the money, this isnt an issue, but i only get paid every two weeks, and they've already been waiting awhile so it kind of really worries me. Cause i'll hafta wait now another two weeks before i can make the rest of the down payment, and im just scared that because its taking so long, that they're gona think im not taking it seriously or just dicking around or something, which im really not! So i duno, im going to email the girl that i talk to with the agency and let her know that the payment will be made in around two weeks time, again, im just worried about what they'll think. All i can really do it try my best though right? ugh, i just keep telling myself it'll be worth it.

Aaanyway, i think thats enough typing for one night, i dont have everything in there, but as things come up i'll tell you more :) I've lots to do in the early morning before i see a friend so i should get some sleep. goodnight! <3